What’s your greatest fear? What makes you shudder? The things that make you feel weak inside just thinking about them. Everyone has a fear, or the greatest fear. My greatest fear is never being the best version of myself. Others fear poverty, the brokenhearted once fear falling in love, it is only cowards who fear death for we are only alive because eventually we will die.
Living from a point of fear is crippling. I know we are all different and that diversity, that indifference makes us beautiful. We view life through different lenses but if your lenses are a stint of fear and somewhat worry, then you can sit in a coffee shop and soulfully write about hell. I am not yet a bold person, as much as I would want to be . Please don’t feel judged. Like you, I am also trying to figure this shit out. But that is my dream, to live a bold life. To chase moments, sunsets, hilltops and fearlessly fall in love without worrying who will catch me. It is coming. In bits.
Fear keeps you navigating between depression and anxiety. Depression, is the fear of your past, rather the past eventually catching up with you. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our pain we can’t see any other way without the pain. We get so familiar, we would rather sink deeper and deeper in the wells of pain. Anxiety is the constant state of worry and fear of the future. That maybe all your dreams won’t come true. Or you will never chase the ambitions as far as you would want to.
The backs and fourths between anxiety and depression. Depression the sweet ex who knows just the right things to say to use you again. No. depression will never love you. It is as psycho as it gets. By the time the ex is done you, you are reeling deep down some well. Anxiety is the friend who is always trying to get into your pants. So, he is always on the lookout, for the psycho ex or a new catch, the PRESENT. As soon as he notices a window, you will find yourself locked up in a room staring at your dreams and ambitions. They would seem so big, so unachievable, so unrealistic, a distance mirage that no amount of GRIT can get you through.
But the human mind is twisted. Albert Einsten once penned, in all of us there is a breathing schizopreniac. You eek a means for survival. Toxicity becomes your new best friend, your only means of survival. The present takes a back seat, and drama takes the center stage. Toxic patterns and relations become a new drug. They feed your high, they make you forget all the pain buried inside. The drama keeps you alive. You let things that should not control you, control you. The human mind, invents an escape. You can’t live in hell all the time, can you? Substances!
I miss the days the only time you saw an image of yourself was looking in the mirror. You would only see yourself, not your friends or fake friends. Just you. Unless you are both looking in the same mirror. But you see we live in the dawn of social media. We don’t like to talk about our fears, our demons because we are slaves of urban paranoia. We stay in this permanent anxious state of missing out or being left behind in life.
Social media is a mask we all wear. We mask our tears behind tones and tones of filters. We downplay our struggles and press the fast forward button. Skip straight to the success story because we have been conditioned to believe that just because the struggle is ugly then it should not fit in the story. I have come to appreciate the Buddhists’ teachings. A whole lot. Their pathos and ethos are full of life. Full of soul. They recognize the struggle. The see the struggle for the beauty that it really is.
‘Just when the caterpillar thought it was over…’ Kendrick Lamar.
Breathe. Take a deep breath. You can’t fast-forward through the struggle. Everyone has a timeline. Unique from the other, but that is the collateral beauty. Of living this life. Don’t let fear make you small. Don’t let fear cripple. Don’t let fear dim your light. Keep it burning so bright that everyone who passes close bursts into flames. Keep smiling through your tears, you will see life will fall in love with you. It is not easy as it sounds, but hope and faith. You must have this undying faith that everything happening in your life aligns you to your higher purpose. Having faith is complex than it sounds. When you decide to have faith, you let life unfold. And letting life unfold is like taking a free fall from the sky, trusting that the universe will catch. And even if you fall, those scars are part of your story.
Breathe. Just breath.